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Matrika
04 May 2009 @ 11:14 pm

Happy birthday KT! Heres the completed chapter of Perfection and ONE DAY -sometime this year, I'll write your oneshot.

I hope it's ok.



Chapter 22


Not About Love



Lyrics and Chapter title from the song 'Not about love' by Fiona Apple.


And it doesn't seem fair
That your wicked words should work
In holding me down
it doesn't seem right




Hermione

She’d gained weight and she knew it. 

How could she be so stupid as to think she could be happy eating. He thighs were touching uncomfortably as she walked and her arms squished down at her sides.

However what she missed most of all, what she craved was the control. Without it she felt lost and helpless, like she was drifting along without a purpose. 

How could I have been so stupid? 

Harry had begun telling her she looked healthy. 

That’s just another way of saying I’ve gotten fat… 

I can’t believe I’ve fallen for fake happiness. 

Now I’m paying the price with my size. 

That afternoon she decided she at least needed more exercise. Tying her hair in a knot she drew herself up an exercise timetable. In the end she only left herself a couple of hours time to study.

Sticking to her new timetable was proving tough but only after 2 days she began to feel the old thrill, the feeling of emptiness, and the same nervous energy as before. 

Every morning when she got out of bed, the world went dim. After 3 weeks, what used to be occasional faintness was becoming normal. Every time she stood up the world would fade. She was finding sleep impossible, she’d lay in bed until about 2am before drifting into a fitful sleep. 

The slightest noise or thump and she would jump awake, her dreams mixing with the noise making her convinced that the dorms were being attacked or that a candle had made the curtains catch on fire or whatever her dream state was imagining. 

Hermione found she could sleep no more than 7 hours each night and she found herself more tired than she’d ever felt before. She’d begin to lose consciousness for split seconds as though her brain just shut off, one moment she was holding her books, the next they’d toppled to the floor. 

She was relying heavily on caffeine, so much that she was regularly shaking and getting headaches.

The weather was dreary, clouds hovering menacingly for days. 

Hermione’s head felt constantly blurry and her heart was beginning to feel dead, Hermione had trouble getting out of bed, there seemed to be a huge pointlessness to life that she couldn’t figure out.

Everyday Hermione found herself starting her day going to breakfast, she had to trudge to class, struggle to stay awake, pretend to eat lunch, struggle through more tedious lessons while her head was in a haze, avoid dinner, rush her homework, exercise and then attempt to sleep. 

Her life was lacking anything interesting and nothing interested her. The only thing she had to look forward to was the upcoming trip to Hogsmeade but even that was dampened by the fact that she couldn’t properly enjoy a meal at the Three Broomsticks. 

The week dragged by slowly. The only noticeable fact was that she hadn’t bumped into Malfoy since their encounter in the classroom a few weeks ago. 

Hermione knew she should feel glad about it although for some unexplainable reason she felt almost… disappointed? 

It was almost like he was going out of his way to avoid her. She hadn’t even seen him walk past her in the hall.

His face kept popping up into her mind and she kept replaying each and every one of their kisses.  He was even creeping into her dreams and whenever she woke up after dreaming of him, she felt warm and comfortable.

If she heard his voice in the Great Hall, she felt tingles run down her spine.

Every sensation she did not want to feel. It seemed Draco was the only thing that put life back into her, every other moment was dead. Ron and Harry were the only people talking to her; even Ginny was acting cold and distant.

The weather itself was freezing, snow and icicles caressing the castle walls, making Hermione Cold outside as well as inside. She was in the habit of wearing multiple layers; she seemed to be feeling the cold more so than anyone else.

She stood shivering outside her Charms class, scarf wrapped around her neck, a familiar smell wafter to her nose, she shivered and a strange thrill ran through her, When the source of the smell bumped abruptly into her she grasped in pain, the breath was knocked out of her.

Malfoy’s gruff voice growled at her. ‘Watch out Mudblood.’ His tone was as snobbish as ever, his horrible scowl still in place. There was nothing to show the difference save a slight blush tinge in his pale cheeks.

Without another word he shoved past. Moments like these continued throughout the next few weeks, Malfoy seemed to be creating reasons to get angry at her. Each time the same blush tinged his cheeks.

Hermione was becoming more and more depressed. Every morning she could barely get out of bed. The mental and psychical challenges of the day seemed too much. People like Ernie and Hannah were beginning to comment on her weight, some Slytherins making snide comments like ‘Look at you Granger, you weigh nothing, just like you’re worth nothing.’

The only thing she had to look forward to was the next Hogsmeade trip. The days crept by frustratingly slow until Hermione finally found herself standing in four layer outside in the snow, rubbing her hands and stomping her feet waiting for Harry and Ron. Ron showed up first, with a scowl on his face and muttering ‘Peeves’ under his breath. Harry and Seamus arrived hand in hand before they signed off and began walking.

The Three Broomsticks was mostly empty when they arrived. Hermione ordered a Butterbeer along with the others but only drank enough to warm herself up a bit. She was too scared to learn the calorie content.

Her brain felt foggy and she had trouble following the conversation. None of it seemed to matter, she nodded here and there, she was just happy to be out of the castle and enjoying the company. She wasn’t in the mood for conversing.

Her head snapped up every time the door opened but she saw no blonde.

Oh god, why would I want to see him? What’s wrong with me? Why am I even on the lookout?

And yet she couldn’t help but hope she’d spot him.

Her toes still felt frozen.

Seamus’ voice filtered into her head . “Coming Hermione?’ everyone had stood up already without her even noticing. She nodded and stood up, closing her eyes for a brief moment as the usual and familiar head spin rushed through her.

She felt a mad sort if energy pulsing through her. The same almost false energy she’d noticed came from fasting, it made her feel nervous and jittery, where what she really needed was sleep.

Hermione felt herself shaking her fingers and tapping her feet. She was cold, dizzy and empty. The nervous energy came from nowhere and was hard to contain.

She followed the boys mindlessly into the post office, Zonko’s and  a place she’d never been into, she didn’t really pay attention until finally she looked up to find herself surrounded by Honeydukes sweets. The boys had ran off to look at the new Furball Fancies, leaving her alone in the isle.

The colourful saturated packets hurt her eyes; she could smell the sweet candy smell. Without thinking she reached out to read the label of a packet of bright boiled sweets. Calculating the numbers in her head she was hit suddenly by an unexplainable panic.

She was surrounded by thousands and thousands of calories, none of which she could eat. She began to shake, the calories were oozing out of the packets and display cases, inviting her body to become fat, the smell caressed and choked her, the calories all around threatened.

Hermione’s heart hitched and she was taken by an uncontrollable urge to get away, far away. Her breathing became panicked, hysteria rising in her throat.

I need to get away!

She span in panic on her heels and bolted out of the shop, knocking a pile of lollies on the floor. She ran, her heart racing like she was being chased, she needed to escape, escape before she lost everything she’d worked for. She was standing in an alley now, panting for breath, her heart struggling in her chest, trying to supply blood to the rest of her body.

The world dimmed again and she swayed, she could feel the snowflakes settling in her hair, how long had it been snowing? Her body racked in cold shivers.

Nausea hit. She swayed again and felt herself falling.

Arms caught her, helped her upright and placed a cloak around her shoulders.

Hermione groaned, vaguely registering blonde hair.

The world dimmed again.

She felt herself being carried, a door opened, it felt warmer now, there was a pause and then she was carried up what felt like stairs. She was struggling to hold onto consciousness. She felt a soft pillow under her cheek and blankets placed over her.

The world dimmed completely.

 

 

When Hermione woke, she woke to complete confusion. Malfoy was sitting on a seat next to the bed she was laying in. On the bedside table was a steaming bowl of soup.

Malfoy’s eyes met hers and he assessed her cautiously.

Oh god, where am I?

I can’t believe I freaked out like that.

‘You’re in the Three Broomsticks. Rosmerta lent me a room. You’re eating this soup, Granger; I don’t care what you say. Do you still feel faint?’

Hermione sat up abruptly, her head swaying.

‘I saw it all Granger. What have you come to? You’re not even able to walk into a lolly shop?

‘What next, you faint whenever someone offers you a chip?’  Malfoy’s face was flushed, concern chasing anger in and out of his expression.

Hermione threw the covers off her and went to stand up. In one swift movement Draco barred the door.

‘Eat the fucking soup Granger.’

Hermione clenched her fists and headed towards the door anyway.

I shouldn’t do this…It’s too dangerous.

She leant her arm next to his head and whispered in his ear. ‘Make me.’ Pureblood wafted to her nose and she had to step back again to stop herself doing anything she’d regret – anything she already regretted.

Malfoy’s fingers twitched, his movements seemed to become rigid and controlled.

‘Eat the fucking soup, it’s basically just flavoured water! Ideally I’d force-feed you some steak and chips but I know I’m already pushing my luck. This will at least do you some good. I swear to Merlin Granger, I’ll Imperious you if I have to.’

Hermione made another attempt for the door but Malfoy didn’t budge.

Hermione sat on the bed grumpily. Her head swam again.

I’m not getting out of it this time.

Her chest stung sharply and she gasped in pain. Malfoy scowled and pressed the soup into her hands.

‘I won’t have you die while I’m here. I’ll certainly get the blame.’

Hermione dipped the spoon into the bowel, nerves jabbing her body. He was right though, a simple watercress wouldn’t have too many calories.

Apprehensively she sipped on it, it burnt her tongue and she felt the blood rush to her head.

Oh, god, I can’t believe I passed out. And Malfoy saving me of all people... I don’t understand what he’s playing at.

She dropped the spoon.

‘You didn’t poison this did you?’ She accused suspiciously. Malfoy rolled his eyes, picked up the spoon and took a mouthful. He gestured to the bowel again.

‘Finish it.’

They sat in silence as Hermione finished her soup. She felt guilty but there was no denying she felt better afterwards.

Hermione put the bowel down and made for the door.

‘Where are you going?’ Malfoy demanded.

Hermione clenched her teeth. ‘Back to Hogwarts.’

He laughed. ‘No way,’ he grabbed her arm and led her back to the fire. ‘How am I to know you’ll keep it down?’

Hermione laughed in disbelievingly. ‘You’re joking right?’

The fire crackled in the hearth, there was silence as Malfoy’s raised his eyebrows.

‘Fine!’ Hermione threw her hands in the air and flopped back onto the bed.

They sat tensely for almost two minutes, before Hermione turned to him angrily. ‘Then at least say something.’ 

Malfoy leant against the fireplace. ‘About what?’

‘I don’t care – anything.’

Malfoy paused and then nodded toward the empty bowel. ‘My mum used to make that soup. Only thing she’d ever cook. Only typically mother-like thing she ever did actually. I mean all you do is throw the watercress in some hot water with some herbs but she was always so proud of it. She said her mother taught it to her and so on. Father would kiss her on the cheek and say it was delicious. I wasn’t allowed to leave the table until it was all finished.’ He grinned. ‘I’d always feed my broccoli to the dogs.’

Hermione stared at him curiously, trying to picture this scene in her head.

‘I think that’s the most humanly thing you’ve ever said.’ Malfoy shuffled awkwardly.

Hermione’s chest seared in pain again and she groaned.

Malfoy’s countenance changed abruptly, a scowl replaced his boyish grin. ‘I’m more human than you, at least I succumb to my most basic human instincts, like eating for example.’

Ugh I had to ruin one of his nice moments didn’t I?

‘Oh for fuck’s sake Malfoy. Why are you so scared for anyone to see you show a bit of affection, a bit of invulnerability?’

‘Why are you so sacred to eat?’

Hermione stood up angrily. ‘Shut up!’

Malfoy strode towards he and whispered menacingly into her ear. ‘Make me.’

They both froze.

Hermione felt her body tremor, every psychical urge seemed to want to touch this boy before her, and yet she was so angry she wanted to shake him.

The shrugged off the coat he’d given her, shoved it in his face and stormed out of the room, down the stairs and out of Three Broomsticks back entrance.

 She was halfway down the deserted path to Hogwarts when the sun began to set. This meant all students needed to be back an hour ago. She cursed under her breath and turned sharply right, onto a little known or used shortcut through the forest, which she’d learnt of from the Marauders Map.

The sky was pink and orange against the snow covered hills, the snow crunched under her feet and the snow started to fall in flakes from above.  She began to feel cold again.

‘Granger wait!’ she heard footsteps plodding quickly behind her. ‘Slow down for Merlin’s sake!’

Hermione spun around furiously.

‘What?’

‘Take my coat or you’ll freeze.’

‘Why,’ her teeth clenched, ‘do you care?’

‘Granger, you fainted in the snow.’

Hermione didn’t reply, just turned around and continued trudging through the snow. Malfoy grabbed her wrist and spun her around. She rolled her eyes.

‘Let go.’

He kissed her instead. All in a rush the familiar feelings ran through her, tingles ran down her spine, need rose in her chest. Her body responded without thought, her arms going around his neck and her eyelids fluttering closed. Malfoy pulled her closer, his body warmth chasing away the cold from her limbs Her hands tangled in his hair as snowflakes fell atop her closed lids.

Time seemed to freeze until Malfoy pulled away, pressing the coat into her arms and without a word turned back towards usual path to Hogwarts.

Hermione stood frozen in shock and confusion.

It happened again and I did nothing to stop it.

What’s wrong with me?

Her stomach grumbled loudly, she shook her head and pulled the coat on. The snow still crunched under her feet and a branch broke somewhere nearby.

She turned and headed towards the castle, her stomach still painfully empty and her mind painfully full of confusing thoughts and emotions.

 

 

The figure in the forest stood in shock, careful not to make a noise.

Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger kissing?

In broad daylight?

No way had that happened, it made no logical sense, nevertheless, there it was plain to see, totally undeniable and completely unbelievable.

And there would be hell to pay.

 

 
 
Matrika
12 April 2009 @ 11:09 pm
And can someone yell at me to finish writing the next fucking chapter of Perfection!
 
 
Matrika
04 April 2009 @ 06:18 pm

 Happy Birthday hpaddicted_09! Sorry your present is late but you know what I'm like!

It doesn't have anything to do with Harry Potter, it's just sorta what came out when I thought  "I need to write a story..." but I hope you like it anyway

Story - Fillers )
 
 
Matrika
29 January 2009 @ 09:05 pm
Happy birthday [info]deirdre_shojo

Sorry it's a bit late, i'ts not a Draco/Hermione but I just kinda ran with what my creativity told me. I don't think it's very good (but I guess I never do)

I've no idea if it's your genre or anything but I hope you enjoy regardless.


 

Bubbles (Story) )



 
 
Matrika
29 January 2009 @ 07:27 pm
I am so so sorry for the long update, my life has been hectic, this chapter was written for a while I just didn't have time to type it up, I'm doing my preliminaries this year so updates might take a while but I'll try very hard not to have such a huge gap (3 months I think it was?)


Chapter 21



Sewn



Chapter title and Song lyrics from the song "Sewn" by "The Feeling"

(Although this chapter was probably just as inspired by the band Camera Obscura this song is more appropriate.)



Cos you got my heart in a headlock
You stopped the blood and made my head soft
And God knows
You've got me sewn




Hermione

 

 

The news of Luna and Neville spread fast, just like anything else at Hogwarts.

 

Hermione thought it was great.

 

Her attempts to fool Harry were working, she put crumbs on her plate early and when Harry finally arrived at dinner she’d fake a small bite, swallow and exclaim how yummy it had been and how she just couldn’t wait for him, she’d been so hungry she’d been.

 

The empty cookie and chip packets in her bag were also leading them on well.

 

Her clothes size went up again just in case she did lose weight and it was noticeable.

 

Hermione also developed a new rule.

 

She was allowed to eat Saturdays, as long as the food didn’t contain carbs or cane sugar, this way any of her binges would be in front of Harry and Ron, where she’d eat loads at lunch and snack in the common room as proof she was eating. The only drawback was that it would take Sunday and Monday to lose back the weight from the binge. It felt like 2 steps forward 1 step back but as long as Harry and Ron were happy it didn’t matter.

 

At first Hermione was nervous about the Saturday binges but after a while she began to relish it, she could spend the whole week refusing food thinking, I’ll eat that on Saturday, if I can just wait till Saturday. She’d stuff herself till she felt sick and soon enough The Saturday binge crept into Friday night and Sunday binging as well.

 

By the end of the week she’d be so incredibly hungry that it was easy to fake enjoyment in front of Ron and Harry, every morsel tasted better after 5 days of fasting.

 

She was starting to feel secure in this rhythm of Monday to Friday at 6m fasting, even though she was a walking zombie at the end of it.

 

That morning they had charms. Hermione was growing increasingly frustrated; she seemed to be the only person in her class unable to animate her doll.

 

Even Neville was able to make his china doll dance across the table.

 

‘Ugh,’ she muttered. Ron stared in disbelief.

 

Tenderly he grabbed her wrist, his big hands wrapping around them easily. ‘You got to twist it, like this.’

He showed her and within five minutes she’d finally mustered it as her doll shimmied across the oak desk with a gentle tap tap.

 

Flitwick stared in puzzlement.

 

As they left charms, Ron was shaking his head. ‘That’s weird Hermione. I dunno how you couldn’t do it.’

 

Harry glanced at Ron in a silent signal for him to be more tactful. It was a Thursday, the hardest day to fast. Hermione found it difficult to resist eating at lunch but held through with the promise of chips on Saturday.

 

During potions a messenger arrived at the door. Hermione’s potion had turned a beautiful lilac colour; Snape was tutting because it was in fact supposed to be a disgusting vomit green.

 

 

‘Hermione Granger?’ The boy asked Nervously.

 

Glad to escape Snape’s smirks, the young boy led her to the gargoyle outside Dumbledore’s office.

 

Her voice was worried when she next spoke. ‘Dumbledore wants to see me?’

 

The boy nodded, said ‘Cockroach clusters’ and left.

 

Nervously Hermione climbed the staircases. She felt weak and had to lean on Dumbledore’s door for support as her vision dimmed – she breathed deeply and the dizziness passed.

 

She knocked gently and heard the headmaster bid her enter.

 

Dumbledore folded a letter and looked at her over his half moon glasses.

 

‘Miss Granger. How are you?’ He did not wait for a response. ‘Professor Flitwick came to see me this morning. He said that he was growing concerned that your performance has been lowering of late. He is not the only teacher at Hogwarts to voice such concerns, even Snape mentioned it in passing the other day.’

 

He paused. Hermione swallowed a lump in her throat.

It’s because I can’t concentrate.

 

‘I find this very uncharacteristic of you myself Miss Granger. I wonder, is everything alright?’

 

She nodded; sure her panicked eyes were giving her away.

 

‘Sleeping well? Studying? Eating well?’ He paused again. Concern lined his eyes. ‘I must confess that I myself have noticed that you do look frail of late Hermione.’

 

Hermione smiled faintly. ‘I’m fine professor, honestly.’

 

Dumbledore nodded slowly. ‘Very well. You best get back to class then.’

 

Hermione turned without a word.

 

She knew things were getting bad if teachers were noticing. She was well aware of her failing grades. It frustrated her and yet she still couldn’t even face the thought of eating properly.

 

Hermione was shaking, completely unaware of where she was going. Potions would be over by now.

 

When she arrived in the hall she glanced up to see what the weather was like.

 

Her vision dimmed and doubled and the people in the hall swayed as if on a boat.

 

For a few seconds she felt like she was going to pass out but the feeling soon passed.

 

Her stomach was grumbling and Hermione closed her eyes, she felt a sick accomplishment at the hunger consuming her midriff.

 

I need to eat more though, or at least look like I am. But at the same time I binge enough at the moment as it is.

 

At dinner Ron offered her potatoes.

 

She smiled. ‘Sure!’ Ron scooped the delicious golden brown-shelled chats onto her plate. He looked smug and pleased. She smiled appreciatively. As soon as he looked away, she brushed them lightly to the floor.

 

Ginny snorted. Hermione looked up startled.

 

‘Hermione?’

 

Hermione raised her eyebrows. ‘Yes?’

 

Ginny smiled in a sickly sweet manner.

 

‘I need to discuss something with you after you’ve EATEN.’ She emphasised the last word loudly. Hermione cringed.

 

‘Sorry Ginny can we talk later? I’m feeling a little ill. I think I’m going to go back to the common room.’

 

As the left the hall early she smiled at the secret hunger pangs and knowing that Harry and Ron were satisfied. (Unfortunately Ginny wasn’t as easy to please).

 

She felt a tug on her shirt as she rounded the corner. She spun around wildly.

 

Malfoy glared at her, his jaws were clenched tightly. He glanced around him for a moment before turning his full attention back on her. His eyes were burning intensely.

 

‘Don’t think I didn’t see that.’

 

She blinked in confusion, yanking her arm away.

 

‘See what?’

 

Malfoy snarled. ‘Don’t feign innocence. You’re not eating? I mean subtly declining, sure, but pretending?’

 

Hermione couldn’t see what he was getting at. Her pulse was racing now, as it always did when her eating habits were confronted. His fingers shook; she couldn’t comprehend the expression on Malfoy’s face or the slight crease between his delicate brows.

 

‘What does it matter?’ She growled, her eyes searching his face. Malfoy grabbed her elbow -her skin tickling and warmed where he touched her- and dragged her into an empty classroom nearby. It smelt strongly of dust.

 

‘Look-’ Malfoy paused looking at her face severely. ‘I’ve just come to the realisation-’ he stopped again, he seemed to be struggling with his words, something she didn’t see often.

‘I mean, if there is no hope for you, there’s no hope for anyone. I’m just saying-’

 

‘Ugh Malfoy. What’s wrong with you, I thought you didn’t care?’

 

‘I don’t,’ Malfoy seemed to be shaking in anger. He laughed. ‘That’s ridiculous and impossible. Can’t you just stop?’

 

Hermione had no idea how to react to this unsure almost confused Malfoy. Cocky bastard Malfoy she could deal with but this just left her dizzy and disoriented.

 

‘Just stop?!’ Her anger was rising; she was hungry, grumpy and couldn’t deal with the pureblood twot.

 

I don’t have to deal with this.

 

‘Just fuck off Malfoy. I’m sick of this –you.’

 

She twirled around.

 

‘Don’t walk away from me Granger!’

 

She twisted back towards him sharply, tendrils of her hair whipping her face. ‘I’m sick of playing your mind games!’

 

His jaw clenched again. ‘I’m not- ugh you’re so frustrating.’

 

Hermione stepped towards him, obviously expecting her fragile psychical presence to be menacing; she leaned in close, her breath mingled with his.

 

‘I’m frustrating?’ for a moment she thought she saw a thrill of caution as he caught sight of her eyes, he obviously saw her psychical presence as fragile but she was pleased to see he was still aware of he skills with a wand (or perhaps he was aware she was in an unstable mental state).

 

Malfoy’s jaw muscle twitched, her own jaw tingled and she had to push away a sudden urge to plant her lips along it, neither spoke or moved, their breathing not quit even. His eyes clenched shut in a frustrated manner, their faces still tilting towards each other, inches from each other.

 

‘Merlin Granger, what have you done to me?’

 

Confusion creased her brow. ‘Done?’

 

Malfoy growled and she stepped back, her knees were weak and she leat against the doorframe for support.

 

Malfoy held himself above her with one hand on the door frame.

 

Her breath hitched and his fingers moved ever so slightly. She could feel her face flush and her lower lip tremble against her will. She could barely breathe, as though his Pureblood cologne was chloroform instead.

 

‘Oh god how I hate you.’ She whispered.

 

Abruptly his hands were in her hair, pulling her forward. Her hands were pressed against this chest; inadvertently she was leaning up on her toes to get closer. Instantly their lips locked, crushing together in a swirl of fury and lust.

 

Malfoy groaned and pulled away.

 

‘We can’t do this.’ His hand went through his hair almost nervously, the effect ruffling it up and causing him to become even more appealing. ‘You’re crazy and I’m starting to think I might be too.’

 

Hermione leant her head against the door pane panting. She glared at him irritably. ‘You say that like it’s my fault!’

 

He snarled again. ‘Just go eat Granger.’ He turned away and slammed the door shut behind him.

 

 

 

Draco

 

 

It took all Draco’s self control not to walk back in there and give in.

 

What’s going on with me?

 

It was all crashing down on him. Her face, her smell, everything about her was infecting him.

 

This would all be so much easier if I was this attracted to Pansy.

 

Oh god.

 

This attracted?

 

Without warning the truth of the situation hit him like a brick.

 

I’m attracted to her.

 

 Oh Merlin. Shit. Fuck.

 

I’m attracted to that spoiled, all-to-smart brat.

 

Memories swirled in his head of the way her cheeks flushed after they’d kiss, the way her mouth twitched when she moved and the beautiful swell of her creamy breasts peeking above her sweater before she’d lost weight.

 

Before she’d lost weight.

 

Oh, bugger.

 

The second realisation hit him with more force than the first leaving his confused mind reeling with shock.

 

I’m not being a typical male; I’m not just interested in her looks –chiefly because she seems so darn intent on ruining them- and if I’m not just interested in her looks-

 

Oh bugger.

 

Some part of me must like her personality.

 

But I hate her!

 

I hate her intelligence, her wit, and her passion-

 

Oh Merlin who am I kidding?

 

Another part of him knew he enjoyed her company, in a sick twisted way he actually wanted to be near her.

 

He wanted to unravel the mystery that was her complicated and brilliant mind.

 

 He wanted to touch her, explore her…

 

He clenched his fists and shook his head as if to clear his mind. ‘Draco you’re fucked…’ he murmured to himself gently.

 

When he found Blaise in their rooms, he was almost entirely sure he’d gone insane.

 

Blaise was sitting on his bed staring at his canopy blankly.

 

‘Girl troubles?’ Draco mumbled as he collapsed backwards onto his own

 

Blaise blinked. ‘She’s not the problem. I’m the trouble.’ He sat up further, abruptly turning his rich dark eyes towards Draco. ‘I can’t handle this Draco. I can’t do this-this emotion thing. I don’t even think she wants that but I can’t stop myself. I just, it’s so confusing, I want to be near her all the time and then I…. I can’t explain it. This whole… love thing…’ his eyes read Draco’s facial expression. ‘What’s up with you?’

 

Draco threw his hands above his head in anger. ‘I’m torn between hexing her into oblivion’ his fists clenched. ‘And-and- well you can guess the other things.’ Draco closed his eyes, letting the velvety darkness of his eyelids comfort him.

 

He felt Blaise’s eyes search his face. ‘Who?’

 

Draco groaned. ‘I don’t think I can tell you. You’ll laugh – you’ll- I don’t even want to admit that I – well I don’t really like her, I just want to-’

 

‘Kiss her senseless?’

 

Draco clenched his jaw and nodded.

 

‘Fuck her?’

 

He nodded again trying not to imagine the lovely images and simultaneously coming to terms with the fact that he even found them lovely.

 

Blaise shuffled awkwardly. ‘Right.’

 

Draco opened his eyes.

 

‘It won’t work though, she’s a Gryffindor.’

 

Blaise gestured to himself. ‘No one seems to mind these days.’

 

‘Oh, for fuck sakes Blaise, she’s not just any Gryffindor. It’s Granger!’

 

Blaise’s jaw dropped open. ‘Right.’

 

There was an awkward silence

 

‘You hate her guts… she hates yours…I can see the complication. Blaise gazed at the door for a moment and then grinned impishly ‘Although I’ve heard enemy sex is great..’

 

Draco threw a pillow at him.

 

‘Granger? Draco? I certainly didn’t see that coming. I was convinced you hated her.’

 

Draco’s shoulders slumped. ‘So was I…’

 

There was another long silence.

 

‘Ginny is worried about her you know…’ Blaise murmured.

 

Malfoy nodded. ‘I know.’

 

And I fucking hate to admit it but I think some tiny miniscule part of me might be as well.















Review?

 
 
Matrika
25 January 2009 @ 02:10 pm
By the way I'm not sure if some of you know I have another HPFF account apart from AnEmptyPromise (it depends on how you found out about Perfection/Bonesinspire I guess)

http://www.harrypotterfanfiction.com/viewuser.php?showuid=39357

But I'll probably be moving all the stories in Box_Of_Souls onto the AnEmptyPromise account or at least only posting my new stories onto AnEmptyPromise.

But I'm still attached to Box_Of_Souls. It's a catchy name and now I feel like I'm betraying Box_Of_Souls. I wish everyone knew that we were the same writer! Then I could use both without feeling guilty about cheating on one with the other.





Oh dear lord, I need to sleep before I try to microwave my undies or something.


 
 
Matrika
11 January 2009 @ 06:39 pm
Bahaha. I found another random story!



Golly gosh, if there is this much stuff on my computer I've forgotten about, imagine how many random stories must I have hidden in my room?

 
 
Matrika
11 January 2009 @ 06:21 pm
Another random peice of writing I found. I wrote this a year or so ago for a friends b'day.

Raunchy poem )

 
 
Matrika
11 January 2009 @ 06:17 pm
I just found a bunch of drabbles, poems and half written stories I'd forgotten I'd written on my computer. I randomly clicked on them and I'm like WTF I barely remember writing that.








 
 
Matrika
10 January 2009 @ 10:21 pm

What is the one question you've always wanted someone to ask you?


View other answers

"Do you realise Ewan McGregor just walked into your bedroom?He's shirtless..."

Yum.

 
 
Matrika
10 January 2009 @ 10:11 pm

Jam a bunch of people together in a tight space like a bus or the subway and something crazy is bound to happen. What's the most memorable thing you've seen on mass transit?


View other answers

Newcastle Christmas bus, Weird enough sober but I got on it the first and last time I was completely high off my head, I get on the bus and the short busdriver lady wearing elf ears gives me a lolly and then I sit at the back and jingle bells is on the radio. Soooo weird, I was so off my head and so confused.

Apart from that I've seen loads of weird stuff on buses, I've been yelled at by old people plenty of times for talking to friends, I've seen mad people talking to themselves and drunk people being arseholes, I've been on a train when the dude announced 'attention passengers please remain calm and get off the train' (someone had lit a fire). But the most memorable is still the christmas buss high.

 
 
Matrika
10 January 2009 @ 09:42 pm
Baha No wonder I have writers block...look how unorganised my writing is! My writing book vomitted )

So I've written just enough to make a new chapter (9 pages) but I personally think my writing has been absolute crap for this chapter. So I'm gonna drag my ass on the computer tommorow after work and type it up, I'll put it on my LJ first and get some feedback.

And if you guys agree its crap, tell me to haul my butt back to the desk and write something better.

 
 
Matrika
04 January 2009 @ 08:56 pm
I haven't written anything since October!

I promise I'll start on the new chap of Perfection tonight. Cross my fingers I'll write at least a page....
 
 
 
Matrika
14 October 2008 @ 07:57 pm

Chapter 20


Rainbow




Hermione


Hermione was marching along the corridors not caring where she was going as long as it was far away from Malfoy.

It hadn't been a nice gesture at all, it had been a mocking question.

'It was a Snitch quill Granger! They can only be acquired during malting season. Now fatheR will have to pay extra because it's illegal to harm them! They cost more than your entire schoolbag, probably Weasley's entire house!

'I. Don't. Care.'

'You'll be replacing it.'

Hermione laughed. 'No, I won't.'

'Stupid fucking-'

'Stop following me!'

'Say sorry you pathetic Mudblood!'

Hermione stopped. 'Turn around.'

They'd somehow stumbled into a small empty room, there were no furnishing and the walls were bare.

'What Granger?'

'Get out!'

'Why should I?'

'Seriously Malfoy, turn around, get out of this room.'

She looked panicked.

'Make me.'

Her voice quivered with an edge of terror. 'Malfoy!' she began to push him frantically.

'Don't touch me, Granger.' He blocked the doorway.

Her eyes widened. 'Malfoy, I'm serious, we have to get out of here!'

There was bang and the door swung shut
behind them.

'You! You fucking twit!' she shrieked and began to pound her fists against his chest.

'This is all your fault!'

'Chill Granger,' he turned around calmly and pushed on the door.

It didn't budge.

'I told you to turn around but you didn't listen did you?' her voice sounded hysterical.

'Where are we Granger?' Malfoy still sounded calm.

'This is the Hour Room Malfoy. If you'd read Hogwarts a History-'

'Right, the Hour Room?'

'Only opens ever hour!'

'Oh. Right. Bugger.'

'I can't do this,' she began to push at the door. 'I can't be stuck in here with you for an hour. I can't. I can't.'

Malfoy reached into his bag.

'Pasty? To fill the time?'

How can he be so calm?

Anger bubbled in Hermione.

She slapped him hard across the face.

He stood in shock for a few minutes, he slowly put the pasty bag in his bag.

'I can't believe you just did that.'

She snarled.

He moved closer and she pulled out her wand. He pulled out his wand.

They stood there in silence.

'This will get us nowhere Granger. Forty more minutes of this and we'll both be dead.'

'Right.'

'Right.'

Neither moved.

Sighing, Malfoy put his wand in his robes.

'You sit in this corner. I'll sit in this one.'

Cautiously they both sat down.

It worked for a few minutes until-

'Why don't you eat Granger?'

'Fuck off.'

'I'm serious. We have a long time for you to explain. It doesn't make sense. I thought you were smarter.'

She glared at him. 'Why are you asking questions?'

He leant in towards her. 'You smell good Granger.' He smirked.

'I don't like this situation Malfoy, any of it. Why can't we just ignore each other? Why can't you just give it up?'

'Why don't you give up the starving?'

'I don't starve!'

'Yes you do.'

'You have no proof.' she retaliated.

Malfoy pounced, dug his hand unto her pocket and pulled out the little black book.'

'Now I do.'

She reached out to snatch it back but he slipped it into his shirt pocket.

'Now can you tell me?'

'I fucking hate you.'

'Come on Granger, it's not like I have your best interests at heart or anything. I'm not going to tell you to stop. In fact, I'm not even going to tell anyone. What reason do I have for that? I won't even blackmail you. So answer my question or I won't give this back.'

'Ugh. That is blackmail. And even if I told you why I starve -which I don't- You'd rip me off.  As if I'd tell you anything.'

'Fine. We'll swap.'

'Fuck off.'

'What if I told you I sometimes get sick of being a twat?'

'I'd say you're lying.'

'I do. It's fun as fuck. It's what people expect, it's what I expect. I honestly don't know if I could stop it. Do you really think you are fat?'

'Believe? You have eyes you twat. I can't exactly deny what's there.'

Malfoy gaped at her in the half light.

'You're serious aren't you?'

'You said you wouldn't rip me off!' She folded her arms angrily.

'And I'm holding to it.' Mafoy stared at her. 'How the fuck are you fat?'

'You've seen my thighs. And my arms.'

'You're mad. And that's why you don't eat?'

Hermione fidgeted uncomfortably. 'Shut up.'

'What about exercising?

'I do!'

Malfoy quirked an eyebrow. 'I can tell. Why not exercise AND eat?'

'Exercise alone wouldn't get rid of,' she pinched her belly in disgust. 'This. I'm just a bit more careful with what I eat than most is all.'

'Careful? Right. That's why you've been so spaced out lately isn't it?'

'Why do you care?'

'I don't. I'm just curious. You really are an interesting case.'

Hermione bunched her fists. 'I'm not a case you fucker.'

Malfoy's face lit up. 'That's why you fainted that time after the Prefects meeting! I bet that muffin was all you'd eaten all day.'

Oh god.

'Shut the fuck up! Why did you act like that?'

'Dare.'

Hermione began to feel angry. 'Was that kiss a dare too?'

There was a moments silence. She'd said the unspoken. Having it worded seemed to make it all the more real.

Malfoy looked at her thoughtfully.

'No. Impulse.'

Hermione's heart skipped a beat.

'Right. Give me back my book.'

He smirked. Hermione felt the muscle in her jaw twitch.

'You're cute. In a sick twisted kind of way. The only positive part of your starving is that your brain doesn't work properly. I'm topping class now that you're a head case. You do things you normally wouldn't. However I think I prefer you when you are eating, you're more fun, better wit, feistier and you actually have boobs.'

'Ugh.' Hermione grabbed at her book angrily.

'I hate you! I hate you! Give it back you insufferable inbred anal groping arse!'

Malfoy leant back as she tried to grab the book out of his hands. He shifted his knees and she landed sprawled on top of him.

'What about that pasty instead?'

Hermione managed to snag his wrist, twisting it around she grabbed hold of the book, he lifted his other hand to get it back. She grabbed that wrist as well, wrenching his hands behind his back.

'You're strong for someone with no meat on their bones.'

'Shut up!'

'Make me.'

Hermione lips tumbled onto his.

 Malfoy seemed shocked.

Hermione gripped Malfoy's collar and pulled him closer. Malfoy pushed Hermione onto the cold floor, his lips never leaving hers. Hermione closed her hand around his neck. She didn't want to stop. they were falling deeper into a pit of oblivious bliss.

 Hermione could feel the heat radiating off him. He smelt divine and his heart was beating against her chest.

Time stood still, Hermione had no idea how long the kiss lasted, seconds or minutes, it didn't matter. Kisses with Krum or Dean had never been this good.

She snaked her legs around his, pulling and pushing frantically, caught up in the taste of her enemy, she didn't care.

His hands moved to the hem of her shirt, he began to lift it over her head.

The passion seemed to fade instantly.

She tried to push his hands away. Panic rising in her thoughts.

I'm huge.

His hands slid up her ribs. 'Oh Merlin,' he broke off, 'You're skin and bones...'

She tried to push the shirt down, he held her, tracing her ribs, staring in confusion.

'what's this doing to you?', he whispered. 'It's scary. You're so...skeletal.'

Hermione glared at him. 'Stop lying you pathetic trollbrain.'

'I'm a what?'  All trace of concern was gone.

'You heard me,' she snarled.

In a second their lips were locked again, their hands sliding everywhere.

Hermione couldn't explain what had come over her.

'We have to stop,' she murmured.

'Yes.'

She bit his lip and he grabbed her hip roughly.

She rolled on top of him, straddling his waist, his muscles bunching and tensing under her touch. All of a sudden she felt like she needed him, she couldn't get close enough, couldn't kiss hard enough, she was melting against him.

She hated him and his touch was like fire, matching her kiss by kiss, struggling to control themselves, control each other, the hardness of the floor, the coldness of the room was all irrelevant. Last names, status, friendships. 

Nothing mattered, it was all extinguished in a cloud of lust as the heat of their bodies merged. She could feel his breath mingling with hers, their breathing in bursts between every kiss.

There was a click and the door popped open.

Stung by shock, Hermione jumped up pulling her shirt back over her head.

'Fuck!' She swore loudly.

Malfoy looked at her for a few seconds, lust still lingering in his eyes. In seconds he shook

his head clear, snarled at her, grabbed his bag, slung it over his shoulder and was gone.

'Oh my god.'

Hermione's heart was beating like a drum.

'Oh my god.'

Not only do I have anorexia, I think I'm insane too.

Hermione slid out of the hour room lest it lock her in again.

Oh my god. What the hell?

I haven't felt attracted to anyone in so long!*

And of all the boys to feel attracted to, it had to be Malfoy.

Hermione froze.

I just admitted that I'm attracted to Malfoy.

She headed for the Gryffindor common rooms.

what's wrong with me?

Harry and Ron were sitting on the couch talking. She plonked down next to them.

Harry looked up. 'What's up?'

I just made out with Malfoy...again...

'Malfoy was just being a twat.'

'As usual,' Ron opened a bag of gnome shaped cookies. 'Cookie?'

Hermione eyed the biscuit cautiously.

Am I eating today?

She grabbed the packet, her eyes snapping towards the nutritional information, doing a quick calculation in her head, she balked at the calories. One cookie had more calories than she'd eaten in the past two days.

'No thanks.'

Ron and Harry shared a meaningful glance.

'Come on Hermione, just the one?'

'No thanks.'

Cookies scare me.

Ron stared at her. 'Why not?'

Hermione scoured her brain , something she'd read in a muggle book once popped into her head.

'I'm not eating wheat anymore.' *

Harry looked upset. 'Or meat. Or fat. Or anything! Hermione, we know what's going on. We did some research and-'

'We want to help.' Ron offered the cookie packet to her again.

Oh no.

Hermione felt a cold sweat creep on her. It was as though someone had poured a bucket of liquid fear on her. Her hearing dimmed and she felt a numb panic.

No one can know. They can't know. If they know they'll try to make me eat. To make me fat.

Oh no.

Her words were shaky and tumbled out of her mouth unsurely. 'There is nothing going on.'

She stood up and turned to go, her hands were shaking.

Harry jumped up and blocked her path.

'Hermione please, Listen to us. We want to help. We know you have;' He swallowed. 'Anorexia.'

The word sounded foreign to Harry's lips. In uttering those five syllables he seemed to confirm all the things that had been tumbling around her head. All of a sudden it all seemed too painfully real.

'I don't know what that its. Let me pass.'

'Hermione,' Ron touched her arm gently. 'We know that you know what it is - honestly, you're not fat. PLEASE let us help.'

Ginny's anger she could handle, she just got angry back but this kindness was painful.

I'm hurting my friends.

'All you have to do is just eat.'

Just eat?

'Argh! It's not that simple. Just please fuck off, there is nothing wrong!'

She shouldered past Harry and left the common room tears swelling in her eyes.

She scrunched up her face top stop the tears as she ran down the hall.

I can't. I can't. Oh god. This can't be happening. They can't know. Just eat.

I want to be better. But I can't. Should I eat today? Get better for their sakes? I can't. I can't get fat. I can't. I can't lose control.

For the second time this year Hermione found herself  with an armful of food from the kitchens.
Tears streamed frantically down her face as she sat on the grass in the empty grounds eating a salad sandwich, her brain tumbling with panicked thoughts, regretting and hating herself with every bite.

With the last bite of the food from the kitchens, she gave a great sob and lay on the grass crying.

Why am I like this? What's happened to me? Why can't I go back to being happy and smart? When I could eat and concentrate and have friends.

She could barely imagine what her life had been like without the disorder.

'Hermione?'  Harry's voice was soft as he lay down gently next to her.

Hermione tried to stop crying.

I have to be strong.

She wiped her eyes and was halfway through a fake reassuring smile when Harry spoke.

'Please.'

Her smile turned into a sob and she fell into his arms tears raking her body.

Harry wrapped his arms around her and lay his chin on her fluffy brown hair. He didn't try to talk, just rocked her gently. After a while Hermione felt to weak to cry anymore.

'We are worried Hermione. We love you. You're scaring us.'

Hermione looked up into his dazzling green eyes.

I can't hurt my friends.

I can't give up starving.

'I'll get better Harry, I promise. I'll eat. For you and Ron.'

The smile that flooded into Harry's face was full of relief.

'And for yourself Hermione. I hate seeing you like this. I know it's hard but you have us to talk to.'

I hate this disorder.

I can't keep hurting my friends.

Harry squeezed her tightly.

'So you'll start eating again?'

She nodded, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand.

'I'll eat.'

If my friends think I'm eating it won't hurt them anymore.

I hate anorexia.

I hate that I'm lying to Harry.

 


Neville



'Neville?'

Neville looked up startled. 'Hello Luna.'

He pointed to the Daily Prophet in his hands.
'Hear about the lunatic who escaped an asylum in a muggle town close by?'

'Oh,' she looked half interested. 'Really?'

'Yeah, people have been advised to keep their dogs inside.'

Luna turned to him with big eyes. 'Oh, that lunatic. It's probably the Minister for Magic's brother.'

Neville looked surprised. 'Really?'

'They have the same nose.'

Neville stared at the lunatic, comparing it with the picture for 'Minister for Magic signs Goblin Coinage Agreement'

'I, er, can't quite see the resemblance...'

'Do you like rainbows?'

'Pardon?' Luna sat down on the flagstone next to him, the courtyard fountain bubbling away next to them.

'Rainbows?'

'Oh, they are nice I guess. I always forget which order the colours go in.'

'You eyes remind me of rainbows.'

Neville's eyes widened. 'But they are only one colour.'

Luna leant in towards him seriously. 'Not if you look closely, you have little bits of other colours.'

'I never realized.' Luna's face was very close to his. She was examining his eyes intently. A little wisp of blonde fell in front of her eyes.

Neville cleared his throat. 'Yours are, er, just blue.'

'Do you have protection against Bowtruckles Neville? They especially like clawing out the eyes of rainbow eyed people.'

Neville shifted uncomfortably. 'You eyes are pretty too. Do you have protection?'

Luna brightened up. 'Of course! Hang on.' She began rummaging through her bag. She was looking down and Neville studied her intently.

'Got it!' she said happily. She pulled out a necklace of funny shaped pasta and as she looked up, Neville pressed his lips against hers.

Her eyes opened even further in surprise and Neville looked into them as they stared at each other, their lips still connected.

Neville noticed tiny specks of gold among the blue before he closed his eyes.

When they pulled apart Luna blinked a few times as if to check she wasn't dreaming and then lifted the necklace over Neville's head. She twined her fingers with his.

'That was lovely.'







Read it? Review!



*Most boys don't like unhealthily skinny girls and most girls don't like unhealthily skinny boys (unless they really like the persons personality) but it evens out because another effect of starving yourself (along with loss of period for girls) is lack of sex drive. The more you starve the less you want to do anything with anyone.


*This is actually a great way to lose weight healthily (I thought I'd throw in some practical alternatives to starvation) So long as you keep eating carbs (roast patato, porridge and rice are a great alternative) and fruit (to keep up your fibre) Most people can't digest wheat and it also dulls the tastebuds so for anyone looking to lose weight (if for some insane reason you haven't been discouraged starving yourself yet) then cut wheat out of your diet and still eat as much as you want.



 
 
Matrika
14 August 2008 @ 06:04 pm
 
Chapter 19
 
Oh Well
 
 
AN/: Took me a long time didn't it? Everyone was asking for a longer chapter so that's my excuse for the delay (plus moving house, very exciting!)
 
This chapter is twice the usual length so I hope you enjoy!
 
 
 
Chapter Title and Lyrics from the song “Oh Well” by Fiona Apple
 
What you did to me made me see myself
Something different
And though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen
 
 
Hermione
 
Recovery...
 
It's the only way.
 
People are noticing. It's all getting ridiculous.
 
I don't look obese anymore. I guess.
 
Her mind started imagining cakes, chocolate, pies. She felt so empty she'd forgotten what it felt like to be full.
 
Surely weight gain now was impossible?
 
The thought of being free, ugh if only to stop obsessing about food.
 To wake up and not plan what I'll be eating during the day, to eat a meal without feeling uncomfortable, to not feel weak, for my hair stop falling out.
 
This has all gotten out of hand; my brain has runaway with me.
 
I should be thinking about boys.
 
Not food.
 
And yet the idea of any relationships repulsed her.
 
Hermione sat down with a pen and paper.
 
What to start with? What foods are there?
 
Her brain clogging, she tapped her pen irritably.
 
Lettuce?
 
Lettuce and fruit.
 
As much as I want to begin with.
 
Surely I won't gain.
 
She smiled.
 
20 crunches every night.
 
She breathed in deeply.
 
I'll be free. I'm going to recover.
 
She stood up.
 
The decision was made.
 
It sounded so easy to say in her brain but something wasn't quite working. Somehow she felt reluctant.
 
If she gave this up she'd be freefalling without her safety net.
 
Her first meal she decided to take lightly. She ate lettuce with a small slice of fish and a hearty pile of vegetables.
 
She felt quite full at the end. Ginny and Harry exchanged glances and smiled.
 
It annoyed her unexplainably.
 
The next day she felt super hungry.
 
Pancakes for breakfast, 3 sandwiches for lunch and a plate of casserole for dinner. Before eating she needed to breathe deeply to coerce herself to eat but once the food hit her tastebuds, finishing the meal was no problem.
 
Surely that's more than most people eat normally in a day.
 
I can't even tell anymore. My perception is totally fucked.
 
But that doesn't matter anymore.
 
I can eat. I'm allowed to eat. I can eat whatever I want.  
 
The next few days continued like this.
 
She found herself eating more than she usually would, fatty sugary foods she hadn't touched in months except for binges. She avoided the mirror; she ate every night until she felt uncomfortable and sick. She couldn't stop. She didn't care. All the while Harry and Ginny seemed pleased, thinking she was eating normally again.
 
She even stopped writing her food diary.
 
She was scared to miss a meal in case she became addicted to starvation again.
 
She felt great at first, she had more energy, she could concentrate during her lessons and the cramps and dizzy spells ceased. However after 2 weeks of this she felt like she as going to explode, it was a horrible feeling.
 
When she stood in front of the mirror she could see the fat creeping back on.
 
She loved the freedom. She hated the feeling of her thighs touching as she walked.
 
Within another day she felt trapped inside her own body. She wanted to grab a knife and rip it off. It felt like she was wearing an all-too-tight suit.
 
Glaring at the mirror she was on the verge of grabbing her wand and exploding it angrily into thousands of glass shards.
 
I've overdone it.
 
She threw her hands in the air.
 
I ate food I normally wouldn't, sugary junk. I didn't start small.
 
I can't give up though.
 
All it took was a dream to crack her up.
 
She woke up with scratches all over as if she'd thrashed in her sleep from all the dreams of trying to rid the fat from her bones.
 
She lay in her four poster, her heart thumping like a drum.
 
She walked slowly to the bathroom, standing in the shower cubicle; she rested her head against the cool tiles.
 
'I want to be normal again.' She whispered to no one.
 
But I want to be perfect.
 
A whimper tumbled from her mouth.
 
I have to choose.
 
Between normal and perfect.
 
 I can't stand between like this.
 
As she turned on the tap, her ribs began to shake and she slid down the wall, hot water beating down on her. Tears slid down her cheeks and she had to breathe in gulps between sobs.
 
Logic says get better but something-something is stopping me.
 
I don't really want it.
 
Eating normally is just too hard.
 
I hate this. I hate it all.
 
 I can't stand it any longer. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I see food like everyone else?
 
I can't continue. Torn between two, being torn in two.
 
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I hate this.
 
'Hermione!' Lavender was banging on the door. 'Go use the bloody Prefects bathroom and get your fat arse out of there!'
 
Hermione's paled, her voice shook.
 
'Ok, be out in a few minutes.'
 
She donned a towel and stood before the mirror.
 
My arms squish down at my sides. I have a roll of fat on my back; my boobs are too big and they make me look even bigger. My stomach is still bulging from dinner.
 
Do I go to breakfast?
 
How can I give up something that's become such a big part of my life?
 
Breakfast smelled so good. Completely torn an hour later, she was surrounded by food.
 
Slowly she raised the fork to her lips.
 
I need to get better.
 
A proud voice drifted to her ears.
 
'I didn't eat yesterday. I think I've lost.'
 
Hermione gritted her teeth, glancing at the slim third year brunette in question, one that she saw sitting at the Gryffindor table eating normally every day. Only last night she had double servings of ice cream.
 
Yet it was the tone of voice that annoyed her.
 
Why would that girl even want to boast about not eating?
 
Jealousy stabbed at Hermione.
 
Why should I be jealous?
 
I hate this sickness.
 
Ad yet I don't want anyone else showing any signs starvation, even if they are pretending, even if I've given up on it.
 
That girl is so much skinnier than me.
 
Suddenly Hermione realised what it felt like for quitting smokers to have a cigarette waved and flaunted in front of their face.
 
The girl’s manner triggered a want to go back to her destructive habits.
 
She shut her eyes tightly.
 
I will not give up on fixing this.
 
I will not let this fucked up jealousy, want or whatever it is, condemn me to more hell.
 
The fork passed her lips.
 
'Omigod Cindy, I want to catch anorexia off you!'
 
The food in Hermione's mouth suddenly tasted bitter.
 
She felt sick.
 
'Catch?'
 
She pushed her plate away, facing the girl who had spoken, anger cursing through her.
 
'Anorexia is not a communal disease. It cannot be caught. It cannot be taught. Get your facts straight.'
 
The girl looked stunned and hurt. Hermione left the hall. The girls whispered last words ringing through her head;
 
'Ugh Hermione Granger is a know it all. Don't worry I'll teach it to you.'
 
Were those girls really admiring of this disorder?
 
It annoyed her beyond belief, those girls knew nothing. They talked of it as though it was some popular fragrance or common cold...
 
...Absolutely clueless to the pain it's caused me.
 
Despite her anger at these girls, tears were pricking at her eyes from the inevitable decision.
 
I once thought I was utterly in control, I now realise I'm utterly powerless.
 
She sighed in despair and pulled a little black book from her pocket, it hadn't been opened in weeks.
 
1 forkful of egg.
 
For a few weeks she found it hard to starve again, all the eating had given her an appetite and she was prone to binging.
 
She was becoming more and more frustrated, she'd decided to recover and failed and now she couldn't fast properly.
 
She was torn yet again.
 
Just one day if I can fast for one day I'll remember the old addiction.
 
It was by coincidence that this day came.
 
She slept in, needed to speak to her runes Professor about an assignment during lunch and got caught up in the library before dinner and lost track of time.
 
She couldn't help smiling as her legs wobbled weakly on her way up the stairs. Her stomach grumbled. It was a secret pleasure that was for her only.
 
But part of me still wants recovery.
 
Torn.
 
 I should stop before I get too deep again.
 
She slammed her hand on the Gryffindor common room desk, with a thwap getting funny looks from everyone.
 
Make up your fucking mind!
 
'Hermione,' Ginny pushed her way through the crowded common room. She looked livid.
 
'Where were you?' She whispered angrily.
 
'Studying.' she replied calmly, wondering why on earth Ginny's voice sounded so accusing.
 
Ginny threw her hands up. 'You skipped dinner!'
 
Hermione stared at her. 'So?'
 
Ginny's face softened. 'So? Hermione what's going on? You only just stopped skipping dinner. You need to start talking to us.'
 
A chill ran down Hermione's spine at the accusation Ginny was throwing at her.
 
Can't be found. Not when I've only just started again. Lie. Hide. I hate this.
 
'I haven't been skipping dinner. What are you talking about?'
 
'Yes you have. You have and it's starting to show.'
 
'Ginny honestly there is nothing wrong.'
 
'Of course there is! Please tell me.' Ginny voice had begun to rise.
 
'I would if there was something to tell!' Hermione felt rage flood through her.
 
'Herm-'
 
Hermione turned and left. She stormed down the hall.
 
I'm never eating again.
 
I can't handle any stressful situation with food inside me. With fat on my bones.
 
Fast.
 
I'm so weak and so irritable.
 
I can't stand the eating.
 
I'm ballooning out.
 
She had kind of thought she'd love people telling her she looked too skinny but it wasn't the same when she knew they were telling lies.
 
I'm going to lose weight. That's it. No more excuses.
 
I don't care about recovery.
 
Fuck that.
 
200 calories max for at least a week.*
 
That night she sent herself to sleep counting the calories in fruit.
 
She woke at 5:30, bypassed breakfast and headed to the lake. She wore her swimmers under her clothes. It took her 5 minutes to finally coax herself to take a deep breath and dive in.
 
The water was icy.
 
Cold burns calories.
 
Gritting her teeth she did laps until she knew the rest of the castle would be getting up.
 
She lay in the rising sun to dry.
 
Her teeth were chattering.
 
I've gone mad.
 
But cold water burns calories.
 
Once dry she threw on her robes and appreciatively entered the warmth of the castle, she was still shivering.
 
She sat next to Neville and poured herself a black coffee.
 
Neville looked at her oddly.
 
'Just that?'
 
She smiled convincingly. 'I woke up early. I've already eaten.'
 
'Oh.'
 
Ron sat beside them. He was eating the chocolate from the mysterious gift basket Hermione had given him.
 
Ginny scoffed as she sat.
 
'Ron that's gross, chocolate for breakfast? Podgy moron.'
 
The podgy moron in question glared at his sister.
 
'I'm a growing boy!'
 
Neville was looking at the chocolate as if it was giving him the finger.
 
'Where'd you get that?'
 
''Ermione.' Ron's hand moved to catch a drip from the melting sweet.
 
Hermione looked at it half repulsed, half wishful.
 
Neville glanced at Hermione in shock.
 
'Oh,' he paused. 'But you didn't give it all to Ron did you?'
 
Hermione nodded, blowing gently on her steaming coffee.
 
She stopped, the drink halfway to her lips.
 
'Hang on. “It all”?'
 
Neville nodded sheepishly.
 
Hermione put her cup down.
 
'You sent the parcels?'
 
Neville shrugged. 'Yeah. I guess.'
 
Hermione’s eyes flitted from Neville to Malfoy. 'I thought...?'
 
Next second, she plastered a smile on her face. 'Thanks Neville. That’s nice and all but why?'
 
Neville glanced at Ginny who was staring intently. He moved closer so only Hermione could hear.
 
'Well, you seemed a bit like you've been having trouble eating and well, gaining weight and stuff, er, so I thought maybe if I gave you food that you liked, it might help.'
 
She laughed softly.
 
Not Malfoy!
 
'That's really sweet Neville but I'm ok, really, you don't need to spend any more money on me.'
 
He shrugged. 'You just look skinny is all.'
 
 
 
 
Harry
 
'He was right in sending her those packages you know.'
 
Harry nodded.
 
'It's weird. I don't understand girls.'
 
Harry sighed. 'I just don't understand what's going on.'
 
Ron stared at the back of their best friend, as they followed her at a distance out of the great hall.
 
'Why doesn't she want to gain weight when she knows she looks so thin?'
 
A displaced voice drifted in behind them.
 
'Maybe she doesn't know.'
 
Ron raised his eyebrow. 'Hello Luna. What do you mean? It's bloody obvious what's there.'
 
'Obvious to you.' She said dreamily gazing at the roof. 'But maybe she sees something different.'
 
'What the bloody hell does that mean?' Ron looked confused, verging on angry. 'She has lost tonnes of weight and won't bloody eat enough to gain it back.'
 
'Hermione likes to be in control.' Luna noted. 'Hello Harry, Ron seems to be missing the point.'
 
'What is the point Luna?' Harry asked patiently as she dug through her pockets, although he was anxious to hear the answer.
 
'Well, she isn't gaining weight is she?'
 
'No.'
 
'And she doesn't seem to realise she looks like a half-starved-Guppledopp?'
 
'A what?'
 
'And she's not eating?'
 
'Well-'
 
'And she is a perfectionist?'
 
'Yes-'
 
'Well, maybe it all fits together. Just look at the signs. You've just got to put them together.'
 
Harry looked at Ron.
 
'She's right.'
 
'Of course I am,' said Luna staring at Harry wide eyed, almost unfocused.
'Hermione has joined the Cabrinalotus clan without realising they are really-'
 
'Ron,' Harry cut in. 'You and I need to go to the library, after Charms and Transfiguration.'
 
Ron looked surprised. 'What? To check if she is a Cabrinalotus-what's-it?'
 
Harry grabbed his arm. 'Bye Luna.' he dragged the redhead along.
 
'Right, watch her during Charms. Tell me anything unusual you see about her behaviour of appearance. Luna is right; we need to start putting things together.'
 
When Harry actually paid attention during Charms, he saw things he hadn't noticed before.
 
Hermione's nails were broken and tinged blue in colour as she scratched her quill on the page, her eyes kept drooping and it was obvious she wasn't paying proper attention.
 
She was thin- that was obvious- but she was also wearing to jumpers under her robes and every few minutes she'd wrap her fingers around her wrists, as if to check they were still there.
 
They wrapped easily with room to spare.
 
When Ron met Harry after the lunch bell Ron looked totally bewildered.
 
He was holding a tiny clump of frizzy brown hair.
 
'This was on her robes.'
 
When they reached the library, it was obvious they needed more practice at researching. Still.
 
20 minutes later Ron threw another large volume down on the table.
 
'Well now I know she's definitely not part of the Cabrinalotus clan. Cabrinalotus is a technical term for a Grindylow's little toe.'
 
Harry threw his hands up in frustration. 'Right, well, she doesn't have Gnome-itis either.'
 
'Why are we following Luna's advice anyway? She's nuts.'
 
Ron held up a book entitled; Mental Disorders: Magic or Not.
 
'Perhaps we should be looking up what's wrong with old Loopy Lovegood instead.'
 
He threw the book down sighing.
 
The book flipped open to the centre. There on one side of the open book was a photograph of an almost emaciated looking girl staring into a mirror, a look of disgust etched on her face.
 
Harry moved closer to read the caption. 'Sufferers will see themselves as “fat” and deny themselves nourishment to become “thinner”, although it is believed there is much more behind the starvation.'
 
Harry skimmed the page opposite.
 
'”Hair loss,”' Ron read aloud. '”…Lack of concentration, bruising, grouchiness, refusal to maintain a healthy body weight…” Harry... Do you think...? She can't have...?'
 
Harry's eyes passed over the page title.
 
'Anorexia Nervosa... It all fits'
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
*The average recommended calories for a teenage girl per day is 2000 calories per day. You guessed it. 200 per day is very unhealthy.
 
I'm also looking for some art to put at the beginning of every chapter so if you're feeling inspired it would be HUGELY appreciated. :)
 
 
Matrika
20 June 2008 @ 07:51 pm
Chapter 18


Tiptoe


 

 

Hermione

In Transfigurations Hermione didn’t fall asleep. No, her mind way occupied by far worse.

I hate Malfoy so much.

It’s got to stop. I’m telling him to cease this silly parcel giving. It’s not funny. It never was.

She’d received another parcel this morning, this time full of jellybeans, pastries and scrumptious looking cauldron cakes. They’d looked to good to throw out so after checking them for poisons or enchantments, she gave them to a very pleased Ron.

‘Miss Granger? Do you know the answer?’

She looked up panicky, ‘What was the question?’

McGonagal looked annoyed.

 ‘Potter!’ she barked. Harry jumped. ‘I’d like to see you after class.’

Harry looked confused. ‘Yes professor.’

‘‘See you after class.’ He murmured as Hermione left.

When lunch came she headed reluctantly towards the hall.

Last minute she changed her mind and opted for a walk around the lake.

I could use the exercise.

She spotted a blonde under an oak tree.

Ugh! Git. I hate him.

Feeling dazed and knowing her mind wasn’t working properly, she stormed up to him.

He looked up at her as shadow fell over him like a blanket. He looked up tired, almost human.

‘It’s not funny Malfoy.’

‘It wasn’t meant to be.’

‘Right,’ she was fuming. ‘So you’re telling me you sent it to actually make me feel better?’ She laughed. ‘I highly doubt it.’

‘It wasn’t meant to make you feel better either.’ A scowl was fixed like glue on his face.

‘Ugh, then why on earth bother sending the most expensive? Are you just showing off your filthy wealth and why the hell aren’t you blackmailing me?’

Malfoy stood up angrily. ‘First of all, most expensive what? And secondly, would you like me to blackmail you?’

She stopped and looked at up him.

‘Of course not, it’s just odd that you aren’t. The most expensive Honeydukes chocolates you twat!’

Malfoy snorted. ‘Why would I bother sending you anything? It would be a waste anyway. Judging by that book of yours, you probably wouldn’t eat it anyway.’ He looked her up and down icily. ‘Why is that Granger? On a diet?’

Hermione gaped; she wouldn’t be surprised if her hair was standing angrily on end. ‘You didn’t send it?’

‘No Granger, someone else’s joke. Probably Weasley thinks he’s being all romantic. Does he know that you don’t eat?’

His face filled with distaste. ‘Then again he eats enough for the both of you.’

Hermione blushed. ‘Fuck off.’

She turned on her heel, Malfoy snagged her wrist and she spun around furiously.

‘It was uncalled for Malfoy,’ her voice shook. ‘K-kissing me to steal that book. It’s none of your business.’

‘Oh but it is.’ His grin was malicious. She stepped back.

‘I hate you so much Malfoy. What I do with my life has nothing to do with you. You fucking scum ball.’

Malfoy tutted. ‘Such harsh words coming from such a small girl.’

‘Close your mouth Malfoy.’ She didn’t like the tone of his voice; she tripped on a twig and stumbled a few steps back.

He lifted up her snagged arm. ‘Such tiny wrists. They’d probably break easily.’ He bent her hand back, she gasped in pain.

‘Ugh!’ she swung at him with her free hand. He caught this too. She stepped back her spine bumping painfully into the tree. With one hand he hoisted her hands above her head, his fingers wrapping easily around both wrists.

Adrenaline was racing through her now, rising faster than usual with no food to slow it down. Despite the warm air she shivered, her knees giving way as Malfoy moved in.

‘Why do you do it Granger?’

Because it’s my lifeline. It’s the only constant thing I have. The only thing I can control.

But this was wrong. She’d lost control a long time again.

She gritted her teeth.  ‘I’m going to kill you Malfoy. I’m going to kill you with my bare hands.

He laughed scornfully. ‘You?’ He poked her in the ribs. She gasped again.

She struggled against him, kicking him in the shins.

I will not be in this situation twice!

He moved in closer, trapping her legs with his solid thighs.

‘I didn’t blackmail you Granger because I’m curious. I don’t believe the Gryffindor super brain would go on a simple diet.’

‘It doesn’t concern you, you half-witted oaf. I eat plenty. You saw yourself, who cares if it’s not every day. It’s just a phase. So what if I don’t have a small appetite.’

Her stomach rumbled. An unreadable expression crossed his face.

‘You’re a strong woman Granger. I won’t deny that. Stronger that most people I’ve met.’

His lips were almost touching hers. ‘If you can’t be saved, how can I?’

He looked at her intently before letting her wrists slip through his fingers and walked away.

Hermione slid down the tree in confusion.

He’s being a complete and yet…

Ugh.

She couldn’t pinpoint what was going on.

The worst part was that she was still trembling; not from fear or cold but from the memory of his lips.

 

Harry
 

Harry looked up startled as McGonagal barked at him.

What have I done now? I was actually listening.

‘Yes professor.’

He glanced sideway at Seamus who shrugged.

‘See you after class.’ He muttered as Hermione headed for the door.

Once everyone had filed out he walked up to her desk. ‘Professor?’

She sighed heavily. ‘Don’t worry Mr. Potter, you’re not in trouble.’

His shoulders un-tensed. ‘Oh, good.’

‘It’s about miss Granger. No doubt you’ll notice she is slipping in class. This is very unusual for her. I also can’t help but notice she has lost a significant amount of weight.’

He nodded gravely, realising what was going on. ‘I’m worried too Professor. She’s not eating. I think it has to do with her dad. He’s getting better. Ginny and I are sure she’ll start eating again, now that he’s out of hospital.’

The usually stern witch looked at him softly. ‘You and miss Weasley will look after her won’t you?’

‘We already are Professor.’






Review?

 

 

 
 
Matrika
05 June 2008 @ 07:00 pm
http://www.canon.com.au/pixma/explore.aspx


I'm the blonde with green earrings in a pink shirt. Just after the mum lady puts down the freaky doll.
 
 
Matrika
21 May 2008 @ 01:15 pm
Chapter 17

Never Be Lonely


Chapter Title and lyrics from the song 'Never Be Lonely' by 'The Feeling'


People in love get fast and foolish
People in love get everything wrong
At least they're not lonely
Never Be Lonely

 


Blaise

 
He was angry. He’d actually started to care for someone and it turned out she felt for someone else.

So this was love?

He hated to admit it but he’d been beginning to love her.

Never again…


Fucking Potter.

I’m going to rip his guts out.

Blaise didn’t know how to explain his anger. Jealousy was not something he’d ever had to deal with.

If this is caring then it’s not worth it.


Every fucking day, like she thought I couldn’t see her with her head so close to his.

Familiar red hair caught his eye.

I don’t care if people are watching. Fucking bitch.

He walked up to the Gryffindor table abruptly and tapped her on the shoulder.

She looked up startled.

‘I need to speak to you.’ His voice was cold.

Ron stood up angrily. Ginny grabbed the hem of his shirt. ‘It’s ok Ron.’

Blaise left the hall and waited for her in the very same place they’d first began this whole confusion.

However he didn’t look charming now.

Ginny walked toward him looking around her, a half confused half worried expression on her face. ‘Blaise, what’s the matter? Don’t you think that was a bit suspicious?’

‘There’s nothing to be suspicious about. Didn’t you know?’ His face was impassive.
 
‘It’s over.’

Ginny’s eyes glossed over. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Us. It’s over. We’re over. You and me.’

 She breathed in sharply and her voice shook.  ‘What? Why?’

He laughed angrily.

‘You thought I wouldn’t notice?’

Rage overtook Ginny’s face. ‘Notice what?

Blaise stepped towards her pointing at towards the hall. ‘You! You and Potter. It’s so fucking obvious Ginny!’

‘What?’ 

Comprehension dawned on her face and she began to laugh. ‘Harry?’ Her laughter was full of relief. ‘Harry’s gay.’

Blaise’s face contorted angrily. ‘Right, I’m sure, Ginny.’

Her laughter stopped.

‘Blaise you’ve got to believe me.’

‘I don’t believe it Ginny. I realise now why you didn’t tell him about us, you enjoyed playing us both, too much.’

‘You’re being an idiot.’

Blaise wasn’t listening. ‘I told Draco, Ginny. I actually cared for you. I was willing to ruin my reputation, my fucking heritage for you! Just so you could fuck me over with that fucking piece of crap!’

‘Blaise shut the fuck up and listen to me!’

He was still shaking but his face was cold, he was no longer yelling and it almost broke Ginny’s heart.

‘I don’t want to hear it Weasley.’

He turned his back on her and strode back into the hall.

Ginny followed. ‘Blaise!’

People looked up from there meals as Ginny voice rang out.

‘Trust me!’ She pleaded her face full of anxiety.

Blaise spun around halfway to the Syltherin table.

‘Trust you? Trust you? I saw you kiss him!’

‘It doesn’t, mean anything, he’s-’

‘Don’t give me excuses!’

Ginny roared in frustration.

‘If you don’t want to believe me, fine!'

In one motion she moved forward and kissed him full on the mouth.

Right there in the middle of the Great Hall, in front of the Slytherins, the Gryffindors, Harry, Ron, all the teachers…

 Blaise stood stunned for a moment; a moment later he was responding automatically.

He didn’t care; it was the best kiss he’d ever had.

The pair pulled apart gasping.

The Hall was completely silent; all eyes on them, mouths hung open.

Everything was still. Blushing red, Ginny swung her hair over her shoulder with decorum, grabbed Blaise’s hand and strode out of the hall.

The last thing they heard was Trelawney cough.

 ‘Well, of course that was going to happen.’

Silence broken, chatter tumbled out the doors behind them

‘Well; now we’ve really done it. No going back.’

‘I can’t believe you did that.’

‘I proved my point didn’t I?’

Blaise grabbed her by the waist.

Perhaps love isn’t so bad…

‘Well, I did always think potter seemed a bit gay…’

Hermione

Hermione had skipped breakfast.

She’d missed the spectacle but knew something odd was going on during McGonagal’s first class of the morning, there was no talking as such but notes were being passed around by everyone at an alarming rate.

When she entered the hallway she knew immediately that something was definitely going on.

For a few paranoid moments she thought Draco had let her secret slip.

‘Did you see them kiss?’

She froze as she caught the snippet of conversations.

‘Sussie and Turner are together.’

She shoulders un-tensed and she continued walking.

 Nothing to do with me.

She kept her ears open trying to catch what going on as people rushed past.

‘Did you hear?’

‘They hate each other?’

‘Impossible!’

‘I saw it with my own eyes.’

‘Just you wait next it will be Granger and Malfoy.’

Malfoy and me?

Hermione was perplexed.

What’s going on?

She decided to make an appearance at lunch just to know what was going on.

When lunch came she slid in between Harry and Ron.

‘What’s going on? People are acting like something scandalous has happened.’

Ron was red in the face. ‘It has. My fucking sister, that’s what’s scandalous.’

‘What did she…’ her sentenced faded as a stunning Slytherin girl sat down at the Gryffindor table and kissed Colin Creevy on the cheek.

‘Oh, my…’

She stared around the hall; there were Gryffindors and Slytherins everywhere together talking, joking, sitting together and …

‘Kissing?! Has the school gone mental?’

‘Yea, it has.’ Harry looked torn between being disgusted or pleased. ‘I mean I guess it’s good but still…Years of house rivalry and Ginny goes kissing Blaise Zabini at breakfast  and just like that, it’s gone.’

Hermione gaped. ‘She what?’

‘Yup.’

‘Oh, Merlin. In front of-’

‘Yup.’

‘But why are there-’

‘Turns out there were heaps of friends and couples from Gryffindor and Slytherin too embarrassed to admit it.’

Ron, who had been glowering silently while Harry had explained the sudden lessening in house hatred, suddenly turned accusingly to Hermione.

‘You knew.’

She shifted awkwardly. ‘Er, I guess…’

He gave his plate a death stare.

The teachers were utterly perplexed. They were pulling apart fights from various people unhappy about the recently announced friendships but surprisingly also having a hard time separating all the previously rivalled couples from making out.

It seemed Dumbledore had coincidentally not attended breakfast.

It was easily the most unusual day so far, since the semester had begun.

By the time dinner came around Ginny looked drained.

‘I’m sick of the gossip already, I mean no regrets but…’

Seamus slid in next to Harry, smiling at Ginny slyly. ‘I think we can fix that Ginny. Give them something else to talk about? Harry? You’re used to gossip aren’t you?’

Nothing happened when Harry Potter and Seamus Finnegan first leaned in toward each other, nevertheless they started to notice.

The end effect was madder than breakfast had been.

Hermione grinned and all at once the Hall was full of yelling, raised voices and kissing couples.

If Harry Potter and Blaise Zabini could come out why couldn’t they?

The teachers were stunned. Snape had begun to hand out detentions before Dumbledore smiled pleasantly and calmly pointed out to him that the Muggle Studies Professor and the Astrology Professor had mysteriously disappeared.

Hermione threw her things on her bed after dinner laughing; it had been well worth being social just for that spectacle meal.

As Hermione bag landed on the bed, the familiar black book fell out. Hermione sobered and picked it up unsteadily.

Malfoy gave it back?

Why?

Why would he give up something he could blackmail me so easily with?

Merlin.

The pages were unaltered, everything the same.

There was no sign it had been gone until a piece of paper slipped from between the pages.

She stared before unfolding it slowly.

It’s in your flaws I begin to see the equality.

What does that mean?

There was a tap at the window and she jumped. It was another parcel.

She panicked.

If he gave the black book back without blackmailing me, why bother with the parcels?

She’d been certain that he’d use it all against her. Surely he wasn’t clueless as to what it all meant.

But he is smart.

And why the hell had that kiss been so good, it was only a ruse.

Just a ruse.


Ron and Dean and Krum never made me feel like that, I’ve lost any psychical attraction towards anyone and yet Draco made me feel…

She shook her head angrily.

Don’t be an idiot. Ugh it’s Malfoy! For fucks sake, this really is a mental disorder, thinking things like that.


She threw the parcel down the stairs.

I’m just going to have to fast longer to get that git out of my head. *



Hermione


Hermione ached when she woke up. Her legs felt like lead, her shoulders were tense.

She groaned as she rolled out of bed.

‘You look terrible Hermione,’ Pavarti commented looking at her curiously. ‘Perhaps you shouldn’t go to classes.’

I’m already behind.

I feel fat.

Parvarti raised her eyebrows. ‘Are you kidding?’

I said that out loud?


She mumbled an inaudible ‘Yes.’ Feeling embarrassed that her thoughts had slipped through her teeth.

She wanted nothing more than to lay back down. She felt dazed and out of character.

I’ll eat tomorrow.


She chose her biggest t-shirt to put on under her robes.

‘Go have some toast.’ Parvarti advised. ‘Coffee as well judging by how tired you look.’

Hermione smiled at the other girl.

Making her way to breakfast, she felt like the left side of her body wasn’t supporting itself. The area around her adrenals hurt.

Forgetting posture for once in her life, she slouched.

She sat at the table, her legs instantly going into a bout of pins and needles.

Hermione downed 2 cups of water before following it with a mug of black coffee.

Her stomach rumbled.

When an owl landed next to her as the post arrived, all amusing thoughts of the newly announced couples around the Great Hall her fled her mind as the usual rush of worry flooded in to take it’s place.

The letter read;

Dear Hermione,

I got out of hospital yesterday and I’m back at work, Jill Anderson got her braces off and you mothers feeding me real food again. The doctors say to take it easy but I don’t feel so bad.

I hope your studies are going well.

I love you with all my heart,

Dad


Hermione was about to cry as she put the paper down. Relief overflowed through her.

A small smile grew on her lips.

I guess the world’s not so unfair after all.


She felt as though a great weight had lifted from her shoulders.

‘Why the smile?’

 Hermione twirled toward Ron, throwing her arms around him happily. ‘Dad’s getting better!’

‘That’s great!’ he mirrored her smile looking genuinely happy. ‘I’m sorry for not being there Hermione. I really am. I’m so glad he is ok. Are you feeling better?’

She poured herself another cup of coffee grinning.

‘You know what? I think I am.’

‘Are you going to have breakfast?’

Her heart sank and she eyed her empty plate. ‘Erm, of course.’

Reluctantly she reached for a few grapes.

Dad is better. Why not celebrate?

Just as her fingers closed over the firm surface of the grapes the bell rang loudly throughout the hall.

She let go abruptly.

‘Transfiguration.’ She said brightly, standing up and grabbing her bag.

Just because dad is better doesn’t mean I need to go binge.

Ron’s face fell. ‘Yeah.’









Review?



* As you can all guess starving does nothing to get someone out of your head.
 
 
Matrika
20 March 2008 @ 06:42 pm
Chapter 16

Cologne Cerrone Houdini


Moments of perfection
Idle in the sunshine

Over there in Honda
In another world

I’m not your kind
I’m not your girl
Dreams we had seen bright
A pastel time

Cologne cerrone, cerrone Houdini
Cerrone Houdini
Cologne cerrone, cerrone Houdini
Cerrone Houdini

Sunlight in your eyes

Driving over stateside
Left the smoke behind glass

Could we be together
In another world

I’m not your kind
I’m not your girl
See I’m in your car
But not your life

Cologne cerrone, cerrone Houdini
Cerrone Houdini
Cologne cerrone, cerrone Houdini
Cerrone Houdini

Sunlight in your eyes
Sunlight in eyes
Like dirty mud in your hair

Chapter title and Lyrics thanks to Goldfrapp.

Hermione


Hermione froze, barely registering what was going on.

Logic seemed to flee from her mind. A shudder went through her but it was not unpleasant. Her body seemed to be reacting it never had with Krum or Dean.

His lips were soft and his hand on her waist felt like fire, he tasted pleasantly like chocolate.

No!

Without warning she pushed him away. He wiped his mouth his cheeks flushed pink.

‘Never do that again Granger.’

Her hand shot forward and grabbed his collar, within seconds there lips were locked again, she had her hands in his hair pulling half in anger, his hands slid to her pockets, groping all around.

She squeaked as he pulled her closer again.

This is wrong.

She pushed him away once more, thoroughly shocked, not only at his actions but her own.

‘That was just…Ugh.’

She shot off down the hall as fast as she could not bothering to even turn around.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Oh, Merlin, I think that’s the most bizarre thing that’s ever happened to me…

She felt like she was in a dream, her mind was slow and everything felt surreal.

She was still shaking as she rushed up the dormitory stairs, she felt weak kneed.

She sat on her bed staring dazedly at the stars behind her window.

She felt too riled up to sleep.

I can’t think about it.

I don’t want to think about it.

As if by habit she reached for her food diary, at least writing down her food’s intake would distract her.

She froze.

It’s missing.

Her book was gone, her food diary, her daily ritual, it was missing. Panic rose in her throat.

Did I leave it somewhere?

Her mind flitted to Malfoy’s wondering hands.

Oh, Merlin, he wasn’t groping me, he was checking my pockets.

Stealing my property.

He only kissed me to get something like evidence, something to blackmail me with.

I’m going to kill him.



Harry


Harry had been expecting that exact expression, although he had hoped it would have come later. The yelling would come next he expected.

Ron’s eye flitted between himself and Seamus; who quickly disentangled himself.

‘Are you- Oh Merlin…’

They nodded.

‘Together?’

They nodded again.

Together, together?’

He received another nod and looked like he was about to faint.

‘So you love each other?’ he looked anxious.

Harry smiled, glancing at Seamus. ‘Yes we do.’

Ron nodded. ‘Well, that’s ok then…’


Draco

Draco couldn’t believe what he was reading.

Hermione Granger?


Smart, bushy haired, Granger? Intelligent, sensible Granger? The one who didn’t care about her appearance? The one who believed in academic excellence?

He knew he should be pleased, should be laughing and gloating; not only did he have fantastic blackmail material, he had something more personal than he could have imagined in his hands, there she was hurting herself without him lifting a finger.

And yet something is terribly out of place.

Where was the pleasure if it wasn’t he himself inflicting the torment? It wasn’t emotional torment though it was physical; it didn’t have the same appeal.

Of course I could just sit back and watch her self-destruct but where is the fun in that?

What would be in it for me?

This book shows just how flawed Granger really is.

There was such rawness to the writing; he almost wished he didn’t have it.

He couldn’t shake off a nagging feeling.

He disliked it immensely.

And then there was the kiss.

It had been a ploy to search her pockets, pull out what her thought was a diary, something he always seemed to catch her checking her pockets for habitually. The idea had been spontaneous, purely on impulse.

Draco didn’t like that it had happened while she stirred emotion in him.

She felt so fragile but her kiss was so strong.

And her ass was-

He shook his head. Trying to clear his mind of the surfacing thoughts.

She makes me so mad! That’s even more reason to use this against her!

And yet he was disturbed by what he was reading, he could barely imagine what was going through her head.

Tuesday – nothing

Wednesday – bowl of rice, 20g cheese, 4 pieces chocolate, 50g tofu

Thursday – nothing

Friday- nothing

Sat –nothing

Sunday – Bowl of grapes

Monday – nothing

Tuesday –

Draco wondered what she’d eaten today.

This all explained her demeanour her tiredness, her jumpiness when he had joked about her nutrition, her tenseness when someone mentioned food, her grumpiness and the complete torn look in her eyes every meal.

She’s not eating.

But why?

A diet?

Surely not? She is too sensible for that, too intelligent.

A strike for house elf rights?

At least that’s more plausible…

It just doesn’t make any sense.

How can she do this to herself?

How can she not cave in and eat?

But the diary showed that she had, some of the entries looked like binges, as though she’d gone mad or grown a second stomach.

The nothing days make up for that…

He could barely justify what slipped through his thoughts next.

I don’t truly want her dead. I absolutely hate her but it is just a stupid rivalry…

If I sit back and watch, it would be like killing her myself.

Her oblivious friends will eventually notice won’t they?

If they got their heads out of their arses and noticed, I’d be off the hook.

What would I gain by helping?

There is nothing I could do anyway.

Maybe if she stops writing it down it will stop.

He continued to stare at her neat handwriting.

Something was stirring in Draco and he didn’t like it.


Hermione

Hermione wasn’t going to breakfast.

No way.

If I eat something, I’ve got no way to write it down.

No way.

I can’t eat. I can’t.

Malfoy will laugh. I don’t want to see him. I can’t bear it.

He knows. I’m sure of it.

He probably thinks I’m fat, thinks I have every reason to starve myself.

He’ll laugh at the kiss, laugh that I thought her was really kissing me.

 I hate him, I hate him.

I’ll go to my classes only. I won’t see anyone. I’m behind in work anyway.

An owl pecked at her window.

She walked over cautiously, the owl seemed to be struggling with a package.

She pulled the window open, the room was empty, her roommates obviously down at breakfast.

The package was unsigned with only a small message;

Thought this would make you feel better.

Inside she found an assortment of the finest, most expensive Honeydukes chocolates and muffins.

Her fingers shook as she surveyed the nutritional information.

Is this a sick joke?

Malfoy!

He’d read her food diary and was taunting her, daring her to eat it.

She’d throw it out. It was probably enchanted. She’d leave it in his bag later.

Hermione’s stomach ached but this was just cramps. Her period had been due a week ago, it was late and giving her grief.

Hermione managed to slip to all her classes unnoticed and spent lunch finishing essays on her bed.

Harry and Ron finally caught up with her just before dinner.

‘Where have you been? We’ve barely seen you all day.

‘Library.’ She replied confidently.

‘Right, well, you can’t spend dinner at the library.’

Oh god no.

She squeaked in protest as they grabbed her arm. She tried not to look too stressed as she walked with Harry and Ron.

Just as she had suspected Malfoy was looking at her. She sat stock-still staring at an indent in the table, refusing to meet his eye. He was probably looking for traces of chocolate on her face.

He’ll stand up any minute now and announce to the school ‘Guess what everyone, Granger doesn’t eat!

She shuddered at the thought. It made her feel even more distressed.

Maybe he doesn’t know what it means…

She glanced up, he was looking at her thoughtfully.

‘Harry, I don’t know how to find stuff out as good as her!’

Hermione turned around. Harry and Ginny were sitting close, heads together again. She noted how close they sat and comfortable they looked. The love was still evident even if they’d decided not to act on it.

Harry whispered in her ear and Ginny nodded seriously before she started laughing, she leant close and gave him a peck on the lips, whispering something to him in return. Harry smiled awkwardly as his eyes darted to Hermione. She smiled back.

‘Want to finish my dinner?’


 
 
 
 

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